Of Coconuts and Incense
by 2dragonkat
Summary: Another oneshot for JayneSimon. And once again if this offends you, walk away right now, I won't mind. Summary: Jayne taking a stab at being someone other than himself, with interesting results. Enjoy


Title: "Of Coconuts and Incense"  
Rating: PG-13...maybe...you decide  
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon is the man and I worship his godliness.  
WC: 4,264  
Summary: Jayne trying to be un-Jayne I guess  
AN: Thought I'd take a stab at Jayne's POV since I did Simon before. Finished April 2, 2007

Reviews are welcome but not required for reading this, though I do like knowing what people think of my writing. Hope you enjoy, I know I did while writing this.

As a registered Companion Inara can read into any man's thoughts or whims, using all that schooling she got at the academy. She can hear what a man doesn't want to say, what he really doesn't want to say, and what he doesn't even know he doesn't want to say. Jayne's beginning to understand that that woman is a bit of dangerous. She's almost as bad as that moon-brained killer woman, reading his thoughts and putting words into his mouth. Smiling with that gorram smug 'I know everything' smile.

This was a stupid idea asking that woman for help, Jayne thought as he made the bed in his bunk. Well more like their bunk, but he's still getting used to that. Simon isn't the easiest person to get used to living with, no matter how much Jayne liked him.

He's still getting used to the smell of his lover's un-manly smelling shampoo and soap, some kind of girly, flowery stuff. He's still getting used to the bigger bed, lack of naked girl posters, books stacked next to his guns, and someone else's undies tucked right next to his own in that set of drawers he 'bartered' from a guy on Beaumond.

But it wasn't all bad having someone else sharing his bunk. He had someone to scrub his back when he occasionally cleaned up, someone to share hi-larious stories with, and a warm body to cuddle with…err…hold in a manly fashion at night. Not to mention the free sex anytime, anywhere with a man who knew a lot about how to wriggle the most amount of pleasure from a body. Oh yeah, those doctory skills were quite the perk to having Simon as a lover.

It was rather funny how they originally got together. They had been dancing around each other for months. Their insults becoming more affectionate banter and pushing each other around was just an excuse to get a good grope in. Finally one night at dinner, while the two of them made eyes at the other and thought of all the unspeakable things they could do together, at least on Jayne's part, River had slammed her chopsticks down and said,

"Will you two idiots get out of here and have sex already. I can barely focus with you two morons thinking about all the ways to fuck each other. Just get out of here and leave my insanely brilliant mind in peace."

There was stunned silence for all of five seconds before Jayne shrugged and stood up, coming around the table to drag Simon out of his seat, who was staring at his sister like see was, well, crazy…or crazier than usual. Jayne had ginned a big predatory smirk and pulled a sputtering Simon behind him, out of the kitchen and down to his bunk. That freaky girl really endeared herself to him with her blunt statement. He was worried she would pull a gun on him if he went anywhere near her brother. But with her express permission he didn't have anymore excuses not to be screwing Simon into the mattress…or wall…or bench…or catwalk…they could be mighty creative when they wanted to be.

So it was only sex for all of one month before Jayne realized he was starting to like Simon, and suspecting the feeling was mutual. They would get to talking over a game of cards and a few drinks and Jayne found he very much liked this relaxed doctor who didn't think or worry so much and let down that damn pompous core-boy act. They spent more and more time together that didn't solely involve sex, which was amazing by the way.

Three months after they started having sex they fell into a relationship, with public displays of affection and all that shit, while spending a lot of time together. Somewhere in that time and after they fell in love, but it was never voiced, it never needed to be. Jayne and Simon both tended to fuck words up, but they could be just as expressive in their touches and kisses. Jayne never much realized how much he was missing out on when it came to kissing before Simon. A kiss said more than any gorram word could.

Things were comfortable and stable for a spell until Jayne overheard Simon and Kaylee talking in the engine room.

He can't remember now why he had headed down that way but he can remember when he got there and recognized their voices he was planning going to go in to see his lover and little Kaylee when he heard his name come up in the conversation. Now he never claimed to be a good man with high standing morals so he hung back in the corridor, eavesdropping on their conversation, curious as to what they were talking about and why it related to him.

"Awww, don't feel bad Simon. I think I always knew you were sly, but you're just so handsome and sweet that I couldn't resist being all over ya…"

"Kaylee…"

"You didn't hurt my feelings Simon when you and Jayne got together. Sure I'm sad there was no sex to be had, I'm starting to get a bit desperate here. Not too many options left…"

"Kaylee…"

"But the two of you are so yummy together I've got no grudge. You shouldn't let it eat at ya, you need to let Jayne do that…"

"…KAYLEE…"

"You're such an easy mark."

"So we're still friends?"

"Always and forever doc. Now that we've got that behind us, I want details, you owe me."

"…uh, details about what, exactly?"

"Don't act dumb Simon, it don't suit ya. The sex."

"Kaylee, I don't want to talk about my sex life."

"Don't want to or shouldn't cause it ain't proper."

"…"

"Exactly. I know you want to talk about it, it's all over your face. Don't worry, it's just between you, me, and Serenity here. I'm all ears, that's what friends are for. Now spill Dr. Tam."

"…"

"Come on."

"Well…It's…good…"

"…"

"What?"

"Just good, or so amazing ya can't describe."

"…So amazing it can't be put into words. He's gentler than he seems and surprisingly not selfish. He gives as good as he gets, if not more. And…well…he has a lot of stamina and a very active imagination…but…"

"But what? Seems to me things are goin' great."

"It is, it's wonderful, he's wonderful, but…sometimes I want more than sex. And granted we do spend time together apart from sex talking and sometimes we drink or play cards together…but that's what friends do. I want to do something that can only be expressed between…lovers."

"Oh, so you're lookin for some romancin from big bad Jayne."

"I guess. Most of the time I don't care but sometimes I want to…I don't know, do something just between us. But Jayne isn't exactly a Professor of Love so it won't happen. And that's okay, because there are plenty of times he shows how he feel about me when we're in bed…"

"Simon…"

"It's okay Kaylee. I like Jayne the way he is, but it's just sometimes I just get to wishing, and this is one of those times. But as Jayne would say, 'If wishes were horses we'd be eating steak.'"

"Would it make you happy if he did do something romantic like?"

"Of course but only if it was something he wanted to, which is doubtful…please don't tell him I said this."

"Simon…"

"Please Kaylee."

"…Alright. But I think you underestimating his feeling for you."

"Not at all. I'm just being realistic with the way he expresses how he feels, his ability to buy roses and chocolate and have it mean something. Now if he got me a gun then I'd know what it would mean."

"Simon…"

"Let's stop talking about this. Weren't you going to teach me a card game with something to do with spitting…"

Jayne turned around and walked away after their conversation changed topics. It stung to know Simon thought that way about him. Granted he had never given the doctor a reason not to, but it still hurt.

By the time he made it to the cargo bay, planning to blow off some steam by working out, he decided he would make Simon happy and see Jayne in a different light. But to do that he would need help, casue like Simon said, he wasn't a 'Professor of Love.' Now the only people on the boat who were also in a relationship were Zoe and Wash. Wash would stare at him, laugh hysterically, then laugh some more. Zoe would probably stare at him blankly and turn around and walk away from him. So that left…oh no, no way is he gonna ask that woman for help. No way no how, he'll never live it down.

Ten minutes later Jayne found himself outside the door to Inara's shuttle. She was the only person on this boat who would know all the ways to woo a man, especially a man like Simon. But this didn't mean Jayne was looking forward to asking for her help.

He knocked and waited for permission to go in, thinking it was a good idea to get on Inara's good side right from the get go. When he was let in he had the pleasure of seeing Inara shocked and un-Companion like at his entrance. She composed herself quickly though and sent him a suspicious glare. "What are you doing here Jayne. I'm not sure Simon would like knowing you were in my shuttle," she said, puffing herself up a bit.

Jayne opened his mouth but embarrassment kept any words from coming out. He shuffled his feet a bit and scratched the back of his neck, trying to get a semi-coherent sentence out but failing. Gorram it why was this so hard.

"Just spit it out Jayne. I don't have all day to deal with the likes of you."

He started at her implied insult, which cemented the thought that he wanted to change, he wanted to be a better man for Simon, a man who deserved the doctor and all that came with him. He lowered his eyes and mumbled, "I need your help."

"…My help? With what exactly?"

"…Well Simon…he's…uh…got it in his head that I ain't romancin him at all…so I thought…you could give me an idea as ta what ta do."

Jayne looked up after Inara had been silent for a long while. She was looking at he was some kind of space bug, and then looking around the room, like she couldn't believe this wasn't a dream. "What," he asked gruffly after a spell as she kept looking at him like he was some kind of space monkey.

"Let me get this straight. You came here to me not to get tips on better sex but for how to be romantic."

"…Yeah. What's the big deal?"

"…Nothing, nothing at all. Just making sure I'm hearing you right, it's a bit of a surprise, this coming from you."

They stood awkwardly staring at each other until Inara told him to sit while she made some tea that they could drink while they…talked.

One hour later Jayne left Inara's shuttle with a full bag and a piece of paper with a list on it and a small grin on his face. He peeked around the corner to make sure no one would see him as he stashed his bag in their bunk. He had to wait to put his plan into action after they hit planet fall, there were some items on the list he needed to get off ship since Inara didn't have them. Luckily they were to land on Persephone in two days time to drop off payment to Badger and get their next job. So all Jayne had to do was act like nothing was going on for the next couple of days and everything would be shiny. That wouldn't be too hard would it…

By dinner time Jayne was either ready to shoot someone or shove their food in their face, depending on who they were. Everyone was giving him weird looks and laughing to each other, and Simon wouldn't stop asking what was wrong. The best course of action at this juncture was to leave the room before he exploded and ruined his carefully conceived plan. He made it about five steps out of the kitchen before he felt Simon's hand on his shoulder asking once again what was wrong with him. Now that Jayne thought about it, leaving in a huff would make people more nosy and ask more questions. So now there was only one option for Jayne that would make sure no one bothered him until after they hit Persephone and he wooed Simon.

He turned around, hefted Simon up onto his shoulder and took him to their bunk. His plan is to spend the next couple of days in their bunk with each other, which wasn't an uncommon occurrence for them, especially if they had been out in the black for a while. Everyone knew not to bother him when he was in his bunk with Simon; especially after he nearly strangled Wash when the pilot had come to say dinner was ready. Jayne is a very possessive and private person, not his fault that Wash walked in when he was going down on his lover, not his fault in the least. Also keeping Simon occupied for the next couple of days stopped the doctor from asking questions. Yep it was a good idea, with the added perk of lots and lots of sex with a very hot doctor.

So two days after Jayne and Simon not leaving their bunk except for the occasional meal and refill of lubricant, Serenity landed on Persephone. That morning Jayne went with Mal and Zoe to make the deal with Badger, got insulted a bit, and landed a new job to ship some of Badger's cargo to one of the border moons. After Jayne helped store the cargo he spent the rest of the afternoon shopping, using most of his own personal money and some lent cash from Inara, which he probably won't pay back but she seemed eager to help so it didn't seem a big deal.

He made it back to Serenity just as they were prepping to take off. Next he made sure Simon would be occupied for the next few hours and found him doing something medical and fancy in the infirmary that Jayne didn't even try to understand. Simon would be occupied long enough for Jayne to set up their bunk for their 'romantic' evening, at least by Inara's standards.

Once inside the bunk he began to clean up a bit, putting clothes away, storing guns and making the bed. Next he pulled out the bag he got from Inara along with the bag o'goodies he got that day and began pulling out different items that Inara said would create the 'perfect atmosphere'…whatever the hell that meant. There were candles and incense of various scents, satin sheets for the bed, roses whose petals would be spread about, a disk of relaxing music, bathing oil, warming lubricant, boxes of assorted chocolates and fresh fruit, and some new sponges. He put everything the way Inara said, with a little table on the floor with the food and some candles on it next to a basin that he was going to fill with hot water. Candles were spread about the room and the incense was on the nightstand. Those things lit, bed made, rose petals scattered, and food prepped, Jayne could now move onto himself. Inara insisted that he clean himself up and look presentable, which he didn't really understand cause they'd eventually get down and dirty, but Inara said it would make Simon happy, and that was Jayne's goal so he'll do it, not without quite a bit of grumbling o'course. He quickly washed all over but wasn't too detailed cause there was a sponge bath planned for later, he freshened up the edges of his beard and put on this smelly stuff Inara said Simon would 'adore.'

Now with everything prepared Jayne just had to wait for Simon to show up for him to put his plan into action. Oh yeah, everythin's gonna go perfect.

The opening of the hatch to the bunk signaled Simon's arrival. A pair of shinned and fancy shoes appeared followed by the rest of that wonderful body that Jayne couldn't get enough of. Simon made it to the bottom of the ladder before looking at the room and the shock that decorated his face bloomed into happy pleasure that was well worth all the effort Jayne put into all of this. That smile was what ensnared Jayne and captured his heart, that smile was why Jayne no longer gave those whores the time of day because he had everything he needed in that smile and that body.

"Wha…you…this is what you were planning," Simon asked as he walked to Jayne who was standing in the middle of the room, all the while taking in all the details Jayne put on the room.

"Yep. I guess we've never done somethin like this, 'specially me. So I thought I would give it a try," Jayne said as he pulled Simon into his strong arms and kissed him.

He was kissed back enthusiastically by his lover who, now that he had his hands on him, wouldn't, and couldn't stop touching him. Oh yeah this is worth all that money and effort. The kiss was passionate and desperate, utilizing lips, tongue, and teeth to say so much and nothing at all.

Simon pulled back abruptly from the kiss and sneezed into his arm but he just turned back to Jayne and smiled, and Jayne would only admit this to himself that Simon was cute when he sneezed. "Ya hungry," he asked after a moment of staring at that beautiful face.

At a nod he pulled Simon down to the floor next to the table. Simon chuckled when Jayne picked up an expensive chocolate and held it up to his lover's mouth, which Simon obligingly ate…after sneezing again. That smile was back so this time he fed Simon a piece of fruit…after he sneezed again. Now that he was looking carefully Simon's eyes were a little red and puffy. "You okay Simon," he asked after another sneeze.

His lover smiled at him and nodded hi head. "I'm fine, in fact I'm wonderful (sneeze). You did all this for me (sneeze), how could I possibly be anything else," Simon said while picking up a chocolate and feeding it to Jayne, following it up with a sweet kiss…and a sneeze.

Jayne smiled as his lover pulled away, swallowing the chocolate without tasting it and popping another into his mouth, watching Simon as he sensually put a strawberry into his mouth, never breaking eye contact. Okay, now we're talking.

He gave a growl before dragging Simon forward to kiss him, pulling him into his lap, pressing their chests together. He heard Simon give a little whimper and Jayne doubled his effort to make Simon lose his mind…which would work better if Simon stopped pulling away and sneezing. What is wrong…with…

…oh Tien…he doesn't feel too good…

Simon was thrown from his lap as Jayne hurled himself to the toilet, barely pulling it from the wall before emptying his stomach. Seconds later he felt Simon's gentle hands stroking his back as he heaved, though he still sneezed every few seconds. Jayne pulled his head out of the toilet moments later, realizing how bad he felt. He was itchy all over, his head hurt, and his throat was scorched. He turned to look at Simon to see he was looking as bad as Jayne felt.

What the fuck is going on.

Simon seemed to be thinking the same thing because after gazing at Jayne for a few moments, more like squinting though cause his eyes were so swollen, he looked around the room, trying to find the cause. "Are you allergic (sneeze) to anything Jayne, any (sneeze) foods," Simon asked he picked up the box of chocolates and squinted at them.

Jayne leaned back against the wall next to the toilet and thought real hard, which was difficult with his stomach jumping around like Kaylee on a sugar high and his body itching like he had a herd of fleas dancing around on him. He tried to remember to his Ma and her lectures. The day that he left, she gave him the low down on how to take care of himself, including his allergy…

"Coconuts. I'm allergic to coconuts. That's what my Ma said," he wheezed out, holding his stomach and watching Simon sneeze as he crawled around the room.

"Okay (sneeze) that explains it. Some of the chocolates (sneeze) have coconut compounds in them and you must have (sneeze) eaten one. You're having an (sneeze) allergic reaction to it."

"Well that makes me feel loads better doc," he said as sarcastically as possible when he nearly heaved up his stomach again and scratched anyplace he could reach. "What about you? You havin a reaction thing?"

"Yes I bel…(sneeze)…ieve so, but I can't figure out to what. I don't have any (sneeze) food allergies…unless…," Simon crawled over to the night stand where the incense were. He picked up the box they came in, still sneezing, and reading for a bit before nodding to himself, which looked rather hilarious cause he sneezed in the middle of the whole action and nearly gave himself whiplash. "This incense (sneeze) has cloves in it, which I'm (sneeze) allergic to," he said as he put the box away and put the incense out.

He turned to Jayne just as Jayne turned back to the toilet. "We should get to the infirmary. I have some medicine we should take before this gets worst," he said as he helped Jayne to his feet and hobbled the two of them over to the ladder. They must look a right sight. All sickly looking and itchy and swollen and red.

Once at the infirmary Simon went to a cupboard and rummaged around while Jayne collapsed on the infirmary bed. Simon came over a few minutes later and gave Jayne an injection, then gave one to himself. Simon put the injector away before turning back to where Jayne sat. They stared at each other, silent and unmoving. Simon smiled, causing Jayne to smile, then they started to chuckle before that became full belly laughs. They laughed around sneezes and itches and moments of sickness. Laughing because this always happened in their lives, plan something one way but it happens completely different.

Now they must look a right sight. Jayne was on his back on the infirmary bed, next to him was a pan for anymore vomiting. Simon was pressed against his side, legs tangled with Jayne's, his head tucked under Jayne's chin and pulling tissues to blow his nose with from a box on Jayne's chest, tossing the used tissues behind him to the trash can there. Yes what a site they made, on what was supposed to be their 'romantic' night.

But Jayne was discovering this wasn't so bad. He was cuddling…err…holding Simon close, all warm and soft skin. And the medicine was taking away the itchiness and sickness, leaving him pleasantly sleepy, though he was still a bit upset that things didn't go as planned, he wanted to make Simon happy and prove to him that to Jayne it wasn't just sex between them.

"Thank you Jayne," Simon whispered, nuzzling Jayne's neck.

"Wha'ya thankin me for, the night's kinda ruined," he said as he buried his nose into Simon's soft hair and inhaling his scent.

"It's not ruined. Yeah it turned out different than planned but it was the fact that you wanted to and did it for me. That makes me really happy."

Jayne shifted until Simon looked him in the eye, seeing nothing but smiling puffy eyes. "Ya mean it Simon. You're happy…with me," Jayne whispered, lowering his eyes.

"Of course I'm happy with you, I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. Yes there are times you mess up and make me mad, but you always try to make it up so I can never stay mad at you for long. You mean too much to me. So what that we didn't get to enjoy all that stuff. I'm here with you and that's all I care about, though I would like to do that stuff some other time."

Jayne smiled, relief flooding him and pulled Simon closer, kissing his forehead. "Well good, cause I was looking forward to that sponge bath," he said, feeling Simon chuckling against him.

They were silent for a while, hands gently stroking clothing covered skin and exchanging kisses to wherever they could reach. Jayne was dozing off when he heard whispered "I love you Jayne Cobb," from the man in his arms. Jayne lay still and absorbed that new bit of information and thought about how to deal with it…what was he saying, he knew how to deal with it.

"I love you too Simon Tam."

Simon stiffened in his arms before looking up at him, tears in his eyes and Jayne knew they weren't from allergies. That beautiful smile burst from that mouth before he kissed it, pulling that smile into him, capturing the moment so he could remember the first time he said those words to someone other than his Ma. They kissed softly, ignoring the fact that they were both not looking so great.

If there was one thing Jayne learned this night it was this: A happy Simon made a happy Jayne.


End file.
